For anyone that's been wondering, I am alive. I'm having trouble sleeping and my stomach is bothering me, so that's pretty par for the course of pre-exam jitters. I feel underprepared, and I felt underprepared last time, so that's a bit nerve wracking.

I've done about five times as much work this time, so I'm slightly more attached to passing, but I always feel like such a slacker. There are people who do more work than I do to prepare. And I don't know anything about Massachusetts law, I have no idea how I'm going to write essays about it. I'm really hoping my MBE score will carry me a bit, but who knows. I did a practice MBE last week and got a 129 raw (I'm aiming for a 135 scaled), which is really great. But I can't help but feel that I just got lucky with the questions, because I recognized most of them as ones I'd done before.

Once it's over, on Thursday, I won't worry about it again until late April. And, to be honest, I go pretty Zen during the exam. But for now I'm freaking out.

Okay. I feel like I can pass the Multistate ("MBE"). I don't know that I can pass it by a lot, but I can pass it. And if I can remember enough of the MBE to do that, I can probably write 6 decently passing essays. And I have a few days to get better, and to brush up on the Massachusetts specific subjects that'll cover the other 4 essays and the distinctions that'll boost the score of the 6 "big subject" ones.

I still feel like I'm going to throw up, and I still feel like I could fail, but I don't feel like I'm guarenteed to fail anymore. I get worried when I read or hear about other people, and their flashcards and outlines and all of that, and then i just remind myself that that's not how I learn (I learn by seeing things done, by taking practices over and over and over again until I recognize patterns).

Time ticks away and I'm scared and I don't want to do it, but I do it 'cause I have to.

And I don't want to move, and I've had to deal with moving things over the past couple of days because I became in charge of them (somehow), and I have to call the utlities and change the address and find boxes to pack in and I don't want to do any of it, but I do it 'cause I have to.

In August, with the exception of applying for jobs, I'm only doing things 'cause I want to.

I'm also getting a massage.