I'm not cutting this, because I don't say anything graphic, don't have any pictures or illustrations, and I really don't get the squick we all seem to be forced to perpetuate by hiding discussions about our bodies (whatever sex and/or gender we happen to be). I

I just went to the Web MD symptom checker because my nipples are sore. I'm pretty sure it's a symptom of PMS, but I've been regular in both my cycles and symptoms since I first got my period when I was eleven. I usually get tender breasts about a week before my period, but this is something new and I don't like it. It's painful just to put on my shirt. It happened a few months ago, then not again, so I figured it was a fluke. Apparently not.

What's the first thing that pops up when I enter my symptoms into the symptom checker? Breast cancer.

WTF. They ask three questions and they get breast cancer? They ought to make you go through a psychological profile before you're allowed to use the symptom checker, because I really shouldn't be getting results like that. There's a disconnect between my logic center and my OH GOD OH GOD I'M GOING TO DIE center, and never the twain shall meet. Not even for tea.

Eh, I should've known better. I once went for a back ache and was told I had spinal injury.

My tankinis arrived today. These things are hilarious. I'm so glad they're finally making them for big people.

My breasts are too big for it. They don't fit in the cup area given (come on, people, it's a 2X and my chest isn't that disproportionate). The underwire just sort of presses into the lower third of the breast. It's actually the most comfortable underwire I've ever worn, surprisingly enough. Apparently the trick is to buy small. It also makes my chest look smaller, which we all know I like.

I don't need the bottoms, because I wear shorts that come with built in underwear (I can never remember if they're board shorts of swim trunks). Brilliant!

Personally, I'd prefer to wear a t-shirt, as I am a large person that happens not to enjoy sharing her largeness with others. But t-shirts get really heavy and then I just constantly drip. I usually just wore a one piece black swimsuit under the shorts, which was a pain whenever I had to go to the bathroom.

Anyway, the top sort of rolled up and over my protruding stomach until I figured out to tuck it into the shorts. Duh!

I find all of this pretty amusing, which I think is an improvement over my usual "I hate being fat" response to things like this. Of course, I'd rather not have breasts at all and be allowed to not wear anything on top, but then I guess I'd run into that whole "share my giant stomach with the world" thing. Which, come to think of it, I've noticed a lot of guys don't seem too concerned with.

So I am now prepared for the family trip to Hawai'i in December. And the summer. And maybe Gallifrey, 'cause there's a pool at the hotel.

Yay. I heart swimming.

I've been sleeping a lot lately, in excess of 9 hours, and my room is a hideous mess. These are not good signs. Of all the things to be depressed about (I'm studying for the bar again, and not doing a very good job of it; my total inability to have any actual adult responsibility; etc.) I'm having some serious body image issues.

It's funny because I see myself in the mirror and think I'm thinner than I really am. So I'll get pictures of me from somewhere and I'm the biggest person in the room (by far) and I just look huge and my hair is funny and I have two chins. But I see myself in the mirror before I go out and I think I look alright. Not healthy, or anything, but alright. Only one and a half chins. Decent hair. That sort of thing. I suppose it's because i have no point of reference at home, but there are always people in the pictures with me.

I keep seeing commercials for the Lap-Band surgery, ever since my mom brought it up randomly in conversation a couple of weeks ago at dinner (not in reference to me), and I hate myself for even considering it (though I qualify) because what I really need to do is exercise and eat better. I can actually eat better, but the exercising is hard. It's the usual stuff. I'm tired of being the fattest person at the gym. I don't want to go out and run because (besides the fact that it's cold now) it's hard to do because I'm fat. It's why I have issues with flossing my teeth. It hurts and my gums bleed, but I know if I just do it it'll get better. But I still can't.

I've never been very good at the psychological hurdles. Not that I'd imagine myself being good at physical hurdles, but you know. It's all about the metaphor.

I used to at least feel sort of good about my body, when I lost weight after my first year of law school. But I've gained the weight back (in, like, the last month...wtf) and my clothes are tight and I get winded just walking up my block now. Any good feelings went away.

I don't really know what to do. I guess I'll clean my room today. I'll start setting my alarm and sleeping less (but I like dreaming so much...). I'll try to stop eating just because I'm bored or depressed. The usual list of things I say I'm going to do and then don't. But room cleaning... I can handle room cleaning. Right?